Who do I talk to when even I don’t want to listen?

I need to make a plea, but I don’t know how to articulate a tear. I don’t know how to cry a word, or how to sob a feeling. How do I tell someone I'm scared to be with you using the same mouth that says I can't live without you? How do you ask someone to run away from history, but stay because of the past? How can you be so smart to know what you don’t want, but not wise enough to know how to figure out what you have?

If you love someone for who they are can you still hate them for what they have done? Can you cry over being treated badly, but still want to cry because the person who treated you badly is finally leaving you alone? Does it make you crazy to want to be with the person that you been running from for years? Or is it smart to keep running and hope fate will make you fall before you get to far?

I love you, I love you, I love you…but I hate what you have done, the person I had to become to understand you, the wishes I had to kill to be around you. Can I love you and not like you at all? Can I hate you but hope nothing but you and I together? Can we have forever for-never?

Then there is me.

I’m going to run. I'm going to run as fast as I can from a person who wants things from me that I can't give. I'm going to turn my back on anyone who can't stand tall enough to reach with me. I don’t think I can be around anyone who might one day hate G-d. I can't be entertained by someone who suddenly thinks they can rule the world then just as suddenly thinks they aren't fit to live in it.

I want to be weak sometimes. I want to be afraid. I want to be taken care of and be secure enough to know the person who has my hand can hold it tightly. I want to be the bad guy sometimes. I want to be able to say the wrong thing and not be kicked out or pushed away forever. I want to be able to do to you the things you have done to me…and you stick by me the way I have stuck by you.

Why can't you be me?

Why can't we switch and I be the one who is unsure who they are and you be the one who sticks by me while I figure it out. Why can I be the one who doesn’t know quite yet what I want out of life and you be the one to guide me to help me figure it out. Why do I have to always be the rock and the wave…why can't I sometimes be the person caught in the current knowing you are there watching over me on the shore. I never asked you for forever, but since I fell from grace in your eyes you need forever to give me a day.

Could you just be there day by day hoping like I did? Can't you just hear that I love you and I want to find my way back to love and that be enough? When I tell you I can't fall deep in the rhythm of love with you before I find a way to love myself why can you hear that I'm struggling? Why can you see that no matter how far I run from the pain in the past I can't let go of my feelings for you. I can't guarantee a forever with you if I am struggling to make it through each day.
Can you love me? Or can I just not deal with the idea that you don’t want to love me anymore? Do I just need to move over? I can't stomach the idea I need to move on, but I can understand if I need to move aside and let you pass. I don’t want to, G-d please don’t make me. But I can't tell you what you need to hear without lying, and we both have done too much of that already. I don’t want to say, “I don’t” but I can't say, “I do.” Can I just say I will try, I wont promise, but I wont hold back?