A few things that I figured out…

I have said this so often in the literal world, “Oh how grateful I am for 2006.” Not just for making it to a new year. But for all the things that have come into light in 2006. Ohhhh the things that I have figured out.

The first thing that I figured out so far this year is that I really like myself. Not that I am stuck up or that I think I’m all that, just sincere love for my own self. I know so many people who spend so much energy trying to be someone they aren't or trying to remake who they are just to be liked or loved. No diss on them, I use to do it too. I took a deep look at myself at the end of last year to see what I could actively do to bring more happiness into my life in 2006. One thing was…I need friends. I am a social person I like being around people. I love to dance, talk about current events, share memories, do fun stuff outdoors, play video games, even learn about cars and technology. People are always telling me, “Tonya you are way too nice,” or “You always think of others.” Or the dreaded, “That Tonya is such a sweetheart.” Then I started to think, “If those are great qualities I want in my friends and people see them in me, then what the h-ll is the problem?”

Then it hit me…the problem was in the people I was spending time with. I was spending way too much time with people who wanted me to be something that I wasn’t, just because they wanted something from me that I wasn’t already giving. Oh don’t get me wrong I have my issues. But if you ask me…I really do like the person that I am.

The second thing that I figured out this year is that for some people it’s easier for them to call you out then to man up to what they feel. For instance I’ve spent more time then I care to say out loud being told that I don’t like my current mate for “who he is” because I ask him to (for lack of better phrase) treat me better. Not anything drastic, just respect, courtesy, and honesty. Specifically reciprocate to me what qualities and benefits I bestow on him. So he constantly throws down my throat how I don’t like him because I ask him to do those things and since he is not already doing them that means he has to change. Therefore I can't like him for who he is if he has to change. Thanks to the wonders of 2006 - I TOTALLY AGREE. What I have come to realize is, that way of thinking works both ways. As he is constantly asking me to do this and be that…which is totally not who I can be given the fact that I am bound to him, then he too is asking for a change. However when he is backed into a corner he consistently says, “We have so many problems because you don’t like me, but while we’re talking I want you to change so I can like you better.” Apparently it is just easier for him to be the victim.

So this is for all the ladies in whatever kind of relationship you are in. Read the following passage and know in your heart that sometimes it needs to be said and it speaks to the power of your strength:

You are right honey, I don’t like who you are. In fact one of the things that I don’t like the most is the fact that I couldn’t be happy being myself because I was with you. The fact that I have to spend so much love just liking you that I stopped saving some for myself. And you are also right…it wasn’t always like this. In the beginning I had so much passion for you, but the more you treated me like crap and walked all over my feelings my passion turned into tolerance. So it’s okay for you to think that I will never give you what you need, because I wont, I can't. Not because I am incapable of it, but because I refuse.

D-mn I love 2006!


Posted in unison at both http://lightfoot-input.blogspot.com and http://www.myspace.com/tylightfoot

Of course I do

Do I love you? Of course I do. You are my sun, I am your moon, I shine only because of you.
You give me warmth; through you all things in my life grow. I can't exist without you. Of course I do.

Do I need you? Of course I do. You are my heart, I am your breath, I cannot live without you.
You give me life; because of you I eyes see, my skin feels. I can't be without you. Of course I do.

Do I want you? Of course I do. You are my inspiration, I am your invention, I cannot try without you. You give me purpose; because of you I know where to go, what I am here for. I can't build without you. Of course I do.

Do I? Of course I do. I question, but you are the answer. I wonder, but you are my guidance. I debate, but with you I have victory. I hurt, but you are my bandage.

I do, but I said that already. I said I do, I will, I would, forever.


Now ask what I dont...

Well Tonya-Yvonne how stupid are you?

I hate writing in this thing. It pains me to know that the whole world might have a clue as to the words I am putting down with out me knowing if they are mental enough to interpret it.

Some would ask the question, “Then why do you have a blog if you don’t want anyone to read it?” How smart of a question that is. It makes so much sense. What is insane however is that I new I didn’t want a blog, didn’t want to write in it - to post the words online, but I did it anyway. How insane was I to think that I could do something, be blessed enough to know how I truly felt about the choice of being able to do it, have clear insight about my true feelings regarding it, yet think that all those things weren’t true if I just told my self it wasn’t.

How insane indeed.

Even more shocking…there is a deeper spiral toward dumb that lives way past the point of insanity. It’s called stupidity. In the past few moments within the past few days I’ve come to be quite educated in just how stupid I am. “Well Tonya-Yvonne how stupid are you?”

I am so stupid I actually thought that if I could brighten my heart, you know lighten it up a bit, that things would change. Take away the tar of insensitivity, cast away the shadows of deceit, live in the truth of the capability of my own dishonesty, and I could show the people who thought the worst that I can be better and that was best.

Boy was I dumb.

But through the grace of G-d and the power of my own resiliency I am getting a little bit smarter. And to all of you that are pained enough to read through this I am going to let you into a little secret.

Trust only the truth and learn to hear what can only be heard by listening.

Don’t try to convince yourself you don’t think a certain way if your thoughts faithfully bring you there. Because even if you are not brave enough to admit that you think or feel it…others aren't as easily confused. To them your “convincing” are lies.

Don’t plead for others forgiveness to faults you aren't worthy to repent. To say I'm sorry for something you haven’t worked your mind around to find your own fault truly is noble. It is saying I see how pained you are so I am sorry, but I'm not quite sure I have done anything wrong yet. However I don’t yet deserve your forgiveness because I care more about getting it then understanding if I truly want to not do it again.

And above all else don’t love for the sake of lonely. I’ve always thought that heaven is like love and hell is the height of lonely. We all know that you can't strive for heaven just because you are scared of hell. The gates wont open just for refuge. Refuge comes not just from being worthy of heaven. True asylum in love comes from being unworthy of hell. Being so full of light, so full of compassion, the embodiment of caring, the vessel of adoration makes you so unworthy of the evil and loneliness necessary to get into hell that heaven and love itself will not open its gates for you to come in…it will come for you and settle in your place.

Trust only the truth and learn to hear what can only be heard by listening? I can do that. I will trust what you say not what I make you say, or what I convince myself you mean. I will hear what you tell me, I will listen for your words not just your intentions. And I will no longer be insane enough to think that you meant anything other that what you say, what you have said, and what you let others think of me in your presence.