The State of Grace

I can honestly look at the state of my life right now and not know how the hell I got here. I don’t recall making any sort of deal with the devil or doing anything in particular to piss God off, but I must have. Because for the life of me I can't figure out what exactly happened to cause me to be sitting in the back of my truck, burning 15 miles worth of gas an hour just to stay warm, and wondering if I can afford to continue to sleep here tonight or should I bite the bullet and get a hotel room. Well without any money in my bank account and only four dollars and 53 cents in my pocket there goes that last idea. I would have more cash if hadn’t use the 10 dollar bill I had to get some nuggets, fries, and a drink. A smarter person would probably have bought something cheaper, bought something that would last longer than the 6 minutes it took me to scarf it down, or wouldn’t have bought anything at all. But then again that would have been a smarter person, and as I say almost on a daily basis, I’m young and stupid.

Boy that hits the nail right on the head. As I’m sitting here getting more and more sleepy by the minute I'm trying to figuring out which is more likely, me getting arrested for trespassing in the parking lot I am in, getting car jacked because I’m stupid enough to be parked under a street light, or me actually falling asleep for more that a split second before a noise wakes me up again. Staring at my self through the side mirror as I sit in the back 3rd row seat of my SUV I can really grasp just how hopeless things are. A few months ago I had a job that I enjoyed at a company that I hated. I had no friends, but my husband. My family was a constant source of drama. And to top things off, I was depressed to the point of suicide in remembrance of the events that occured almost one year ago today. I know that sounds pretty grim, but I would do anything to be back there right now.

It’s so funny how you can look right at your life at any given moment and still not see it for what it’s worth in the way you will see it when that same moment passes. That being true I can't wait to see how clearly I will look back at this one specific moment in time in a few days, should I actually make it there. Have no fear, I’m not going to do anything stupid like slit my wrists or drive off a bridge. As I said earlier I have no money, at least not enough to buy a method of killing myself less painful that a straight razor. Not to mention, with the fuel that I have consumed just sitting here for the past few minutes I wont have enough gas to make it to a bridge high enough for the impact to be greater that what the airbags can withstand. Damn me for getting a safe vehicle.

Why don’t I just go home. I know that’s suppose to be a question, but I just can't seem to stomach asking it. I keep telling myself that if I just continue to say it like it’s lyrics in a bad rap song then the words have no meaning. But then again if I'm having that deep of a conversation with myself then I need to get a little more help that I can receive by just going home. The funny thing is that my front door is about the same distance in one direction as the psychiatrics office I pass each morning on my way to work is in the other. To make matters even more comical, I'm parked almost exactly in between them both. Either God is making one extremely funny joke out of me right now, or my life has stepped into the realm of so screwed, everything is ironic.

One way or the other, all I know is that I would kill for a cigarette right now. They are sitting right beside me and the idea of the calming effect they give me seems so appealing right now its almost climatic.

Thing is…I don’t smoke in my truck.