Well Tonya-Yvonne how stupid are you?

I hate writing in this thing. It pains me to know that the whole world might have a clue as to the words I am putting down with out me knowing if they are mental enough to interpret it.

Some would ask the question, “Then why do you have a blog if you don’t want anyone to read it?” How smart of a question that is. It makes so much sense. What is insane however is that I new I didn’t want a blog, didn’t want to write in it - to post the words online, but I did it anyway. How insane was I to think that I could do something, be blessed enough to know how I truly felt about the choice of being able to do it, have clear insight about my true feelings regarding it, yet think that all those things weren’t true if I just told my self it wasn’t.

How insane indeed.

Even more shocking…there is a deeper spiral toward dumb that lives way past the point of insanity. It’s called stupidity. In the past few moments within the past few days I’ve come to be quite educated in just how stupid I am. “Well Tonya-Yvonne how stupid are you?”

I am so stupid I actually thought that if I could brighten my heart, you know lighten it up a bit, that things would change. Take away the tar of insensitivity, cast away the shadows of deceit, live in the truth of the capability of my own dishonesty, and I could show the people who thought the worst that I can be better and that was best.

Boy was I dumb.

But through the grace of G-d and the power of my own resiliency I am getting a little bit smarter. And to all of you that are pained enough to read through this I am going to let you into a little secret.

Trust only the truth and learn to hear what can only be heard by listening.

Don’t try to convince yourself you don’t think a certain way if your thoughts faithfully bring you there. Because even if you are not brave enough to admit that you think or feel it…others aren't as easily confused. To them your “convincing” are lies.

Don’t plead for others forgiveness to faults you aren't worthy to repent. To say I'm sorry for something you haven’t worked your mind around to find your own fault truly is noble. It is saying I see how pained you are so I am sorry, but I'm not quite sure I have done anything wrong yet. However I don’t yet deserve your forgiveness because I care more about getting it then understanding if I truly want to not do it again.

And above all else don’t love for the sake of lonely. I’ve always thought that heaven is like love and hell is the height of lonely. We all know that you can't strive for heaven just because you are scared of hell. The gates wont open just for refuge. Refuge comes not just from being worthy of heaven. True asylum in love comes from being unworthy of hell. Being so full of light, so full of compassion, the embodiment of caring, the vessel of adoration makes you so unworthy of the evil and loneliness necessary to get into hell that heaven and love itself will not open its gates for you to come in…it will come for you and settle in your place.

Trust only the truth and learn to hear what can only be heard by listening? I can do that. I will trust what you say not what I make you say, or what I convince myself you mean. I will hear what you tell me, I will listen for your words not just your intentions. And I will no longer be insane enough to think that you meant anything other that what you say, what you have said, and what you let others think of me in your presence.