Why Can’t I Remember What My Soul Did Before I Was Born?

I think too much. I know I do. Everyone tells me that I do. But knowing that fact doesn’t help me find the answers to the questions I seek.

I’m sitting on the bed with my husband watching a movie. The movie itself isn’t holding my attention, but I find myself thinking about the people around the movie. You know the extra’s, the people out of focus in the background. I start to wonder if they were aspiring actors or if they just knew somebody who could get them in front of the camera. Were they just happy to get a break or did they really need the cash to pay for something important. A car note, a mortgage payment, their kid’s braces, medication…you know the things that come with life.

But then I start wondering, who thinks of this crap? That’s simple, I do. I’m always thinking. I think so much I have to take Simply Sleep to quiet my brain just to go to bet at night. I don’t think about obsessive things, just everything else. My life, the lives of others in my path, my family, my school, and things I read in my schoolbooks. What don’t I think of?

So naturally I start thinking of something I have thought about many times before. Why the hell do I think so much? I shouldn’t be complaining. It’s helped me out all through life. I barely need to study, it takes seconds for me to learn anything, and I hardly ever forget anything. Basically because I’m always thinking about it. I can remember just about everything that happened the morning of my first day of school. I can even remember my first lie, my first kiss, (and my first kiss with tongue), the first answer I got wrong on an important test.

Then once again I start to think what makes me so different? My husband sometimes can barely remember a conversation we had minutes before, and bless his heart he hates that about himself. Though I find his ability to forget almost everything quite refreshing sometimes, I do get frustrated at him cause I just don’t understand “how you can forget.”
Maybe God made me this way for a certain reason. Maybe later on in life the things I will be able to teach others of something I have experienced long past might help someone. Maybe my children will be important to the world and my ability to remember passed down to them might make them amazing creatures.

And you guessed it; I started thinking of something else, the reason why I started this post. If I can remember darn near everything I have experienced or learned in life…why can't I remember what happened before I was born? I can remember dreams I had before I learned to read, but I can't remember anything before I took my first breath. What makes this even more amazing is that I know how to do things I have never been exposed to or learned. As if I am pulling off of memory.

Now don’t freak out, I’m Christian. I know the Lord and Jesus and the names of quite a few angels, and far be it from me to questions why things happen the way they do. But I sure would like to know what the deal is. I like my mind…cause the alternative really sucks. Yet I am frustrated at not knowing something that I can't find the answer to in any book or from any conversation.

If I had one questions to ask the smartest person on the earth, or to have an out of body experience and I could as the Lord himself, I sure would like to know why can’t I remember what my soul did before I was born? For all I know, it could be one heck of a story.

If it’s goodbye 2004 and hello 2005 why do I have such a strong case of SSDD?

It’s the middle of the day on the last day of this year. For the last few weeks I have been looking forward to 2005 like kids look forward to going to the toy store. High probability that you’ll walk out with the same kind of "crap" that you had before...but hell, at least it’s new crap.

I guess I shouldn’t complain, not in the least. I don’t even like complaining. I’m one of those people who every now and then like to openly admit that life stinks, but as soon as it’s out my mouth I have to find a way to "fix" whatever is wrong. But that’s just me being a Scorpio, born from a Sagittarius and a Capricorn. Don’t get it twisted, I’m not throwing a pitty party, I do still have lots of hope for 2005. I just realized that even thought it’s a new journey I’m still walking the road with the same tools that got me off the last street.

Last year just put me though some major hell. You know, normal life tribulations. It seems so easy to say what the right choices are when your helping someone else though a crisis. But it’s hard as hell when you have to find the answers yourself. I can honestly say that I am ending the year better than which it began. I have so much to be thankful for, and I am. I can actually say that with a straight face, and not have to stand aside and wait for the lightening strike. Yet there are some things that still make me go ‘ho-hum’.

1) Bush didn’t loose. It makes me feel so better saying that instead of having to wrap my brain around the fact that he won something.

2) My family back home is still having financial problems, which leaves a sour taste in my mouth at the thought that my husband and I are actually doing pretty well.

and most importantly

3) No matter what I do, I still cant make life work well. When I am happy there always seems to be something wrong with someone else. Or if I am sad, everyone else seems to be so darn happy they don’t notice.

On a lighter note I got straight A’s again and my home office is all set up so I can play computer games while I do homework...multi tasking at it’s best. It’s another year true, but it’s another year! God is taking out his squeegee and wiping the streaks of 2004 off the glass and getting us all ready for the bug gut stains to come in 2005.

I guess as I learn more and more about this whole blogging thing I will tell more and more about what’s going on inside my southern, overly imaginative brain. But for today I will say Merry Christmahanukkwanzaka and happy 2005.